Casablanca

Roger Ebert says he's never read a negative review of Casablanca, and that he really never hears anything disparaging about this film, and that even people who don't like movies, who don't like old movies, who don't watch movies...they like Casablanca.

I like movies. I like old movies, new movies, middle-aged movies, independent movies, studio movies, summer blockbuster movies, classic movies, all sorts of movies.

I've seen Casablanca four times. Here's what happened:

1.) Watched Casablanca on television circa 1990. Bored me to tears. So much talking, nothing happening. Gave up halfway through and changed the channel. I was 15 years old. My tastes have changed somewhat.

2.) Rented Casablanca from the Muncie Public Library circa 1995. Bored me to tears. So much talking, not much happening. Didn't care about any of the characters, but I did finish the film. I was 20. My tastes have changed somewhat.

3.) Bought a used copy of Casablanca on DVD — the one shown above — and watched with the soon-to-be-wife, circa 2008. Boring. Talky McTalkerton. However, Bogart's expression toward the end when he thinks Captain Renault is going to turn him in is a thing of beauty, a real suspenseful moment. Peter Lorre is excellent and slimy. But yeah, I was still bored. I was 33. My tastes have not changed all that much.

4.) Watched same copy of Casablanca by myself, here at home, with an upconverting DVD player connected over HDMI and a 37" HDTV. Saw some things. Saw lots of things, actually. Still, though, I find the whole enterprise a little boring. The script is extremely well written — works almost like a clinic for screenwriters. Every detail in the early going pays off later, and that I can appreciate. This is a great piece of writing. Without that script, this film is a piece of shit.

Lots of people loved Casablanca the first time. Lots of people hold this film up as the gold standard for filmmaking. This is #2 on the AFI 100. So why do I get bored? Theories:

1.) I am spoiled by modern Hollywood, and therefore a philistine. Maybe I need more explosions or fart jokes or fart explosions? Maybe I need more gunfighting or a car chase or...something. The plot seems razor thin to me. I'm not saying it is. I just don't find it all that...surprising? Maybe? I can't figure everything out right now.

2.) Bogart is not very interesting or good looking. Also he spits when he talks, and Billy Wilder had to light him accordingly. Put the light in the wrong spot, and you're looking at a shining spit-spray. I wonder if Michael Curtiz had the same issues. Bogey doesn't swallow and he smokes a lot and I bet his breath is terrible. And when he pounds his fist on the table in rage and sadness, that moment just rings so hollow to me. However, he does rock the stick-my-neck-out-for-nobody-ness.

3.) Peter Lorre and Claude Rains are not in this film enough.

4.) Sam isn't really playing the piano, and I can't help but look at his hands.

5.) You really, really have to be listening to the dialogue. Stop paying attention for even a line or two and you lose the map. The film is best when you hang on every word. As I get older, I get better at this. I'm sure young people can hang with this film, but I've always had trouble.

I KNOW THIS FILM IS GOOD.

This is a critically bulletproof film. Everything I've said above is in no way a negative review. I own this film, like a lot of others, for the day that I'm ready. I'm almost there. Sometimes even beautiful friendships start a little rocky.