Bubba Ho-Tep

Ten years ago, I worked at a Borders in downtown Chicago for several months. I was an "Assistant Community Relations Coordinator," which meant I helped promote in-store events like book signings and performances. That meant I got to meet a lot of famous people, so I got some good stories out of the deal.

I met the late Sydney Sheldon. During a book signing for The Sky Is Falling, a fan asked him, "Where do you come up with such great stories?" He said, "Well, first I think of a character, and then I tell my writers, and they do the rest!"

Sheldon's handlers went sort of white. The fan seemed confused and crestfallen. I couldn't really say or do anything. I just handed Sheldon another book to sign.

I met Ted Nugent as well, and bought four copies of his book (at discount) so he'd sign them for friends and relatives. I had them mailed out, and a few days later I started getting these surprised phone calls and e-mails from people. That was a trip.

The Nuge...well, in person he was exactly who he is all the time. Loud, funny, and the largest personality in the room. I don't agree with anything he says, but he was a fascinating, hilarious dude who was so gracious. I took my nametag off at one point, but he remembered my name anyway. He put my boss and I on the list for his show at The House of Blues that night. Oh, and he signed my Damn Yankees CD and gave me a guitar pick emblazoned with a raised middle finger, like this one. He's a class act, unless you get him talking about politics.

I also met Stephen J. Cannell, the guy who created "The A-Team" and a bunch of other great shows. During a lull in the signing of his book, The Tin Collectors, he asked me where I was from, and I told him Indiana, but I'd just finished my master's in Ohio. He asked about my degree, so I told him I'd studied screenwriting. He seemed surprised, and took a real shine to me. We chatted off and on during the signing, and then he asked if I'd hang out for a while and talk writing as he was packing up.

So, for about 30 minutes after his book signing, Stephen J. Cannell and I hung out in the green room and talked about screenwriting. Most of the time, Cannell did the talking, but I didn't care. I learned more about screenwriting in 30 minutes of talking to Cannell than in an entire year of graduate study. As we were saying goodbye, Cannell looked at me and said, "Well, if you're ever out in Hollywood..."

He trailed off and seemed to change his line of thinking. Then:

"Best of luck to you!"

I'm not sure what he was about to say. I like to think he was about to invite me to work for him, but I'll never know. I'd also like to think that he'll read this, remember the conversation, and drop me an e-mail inviting me to L.A. to work for him. Hey, my blog, my fantasies.

In short, Chicago chewed me up and spat me out. I was always broke. I developed a nasty case of acid reflux disease and was drinking a bottle of Gaviscon a week, and my digestive system is forever fucked. After several months of this shit, in the summer of 2001, I realized that I would be just as broke whether I went to work or not. So I stopped going to work. I quit without notice. A few weeks later, I was packing to leave Chicago.

But before I left, I got wind that Bruce Campbell was doing a book signing of his new memoir, If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B Movie Actor at my former place of employment. Because I quit without notice and disappointed some people, I hadn't been back to the store since I left, but when I heard about Bruce Campbell, I had to go back.

My then-girlfriend and I went that day, where we found no fewer than 2,000 people waiting to meet Bruce. At the time, this was by far the most successful in-store event since the store opened. One of my former co-workers came over and gave me a hug, and then she messed my hair a little — complimenting my haircut or something. My then-girlfriend got all pissed off and jealous, and that led to yet another of our stupid fights, and that eventually led to a mercy breakup a few months later. I digress.

If I hadn't quit Borders, I might've been able to meet Bruce Campbell. However, on the day, I was just another one of the thousands of people who showed up, and I knew I wouldn't get to meet him. We just listened to the Q & A and left.

I didn't make enough money to really survive Chicago, but I worked with a lot of great people, most of whom I've found on Facebook or elsewhere. I met quite a few celebrities and some great co-workers.

But I never met Bruce Campbell.