Hellboy/Hellboy II: The Golden Army

I'm pretty sure Guillermo Del Toro would've screwed up Middle Earth.

After watching much of Del Toro's work, and re-watching the two Hellboy films tonight, I'm convinced that no one in The Hobbit would've had eyes, and if they did, their eyes would've been in screwed up places.

Every damned scene would be preoccupied with gears and machines and cranky whirly things with sharp bits, and all the beasts of Middle Earth would've been far hairier and about 10 times more macabre than Tolkien ever envisioned.

Things have a funny way of working out. Del Toro left work on The Hobbit, leaving no one except Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson to do the films. You know, the way it should've been in the first place.

Del Toro is perfect for the Hellboy films, though.

I enjoy the Hellboy movies, even though I never read the comic. You don't have to be a fan of the comics to enjoy the films, though.

I've been a comic collector since the early '80s, usually picking up copies of The Amazing Spider-Man and whatever else caught my attention, but stuff like Hellboy was a blind spot. I had a tough time with the comics of the '90s, which were often far darker and more violent than my Marvel heroes. Sandman, Hellboy, Preacher, Hellblazer, and others were a bit too much for me and my upbringing, all fire and brimstone and going to Hell, etc. I got over my hangup, read Preacher and most of Sandman, and never got around to the other two.

Both Hellboy films are spectacles of Guillermo Del Toro's and Mike Mignola's imaginations. Few directors could take Mignola's Hellboy story and infuse his own distinct vision as organically as Del Toro here.

All the attention to the inner workings and gears of things such as time pieces and other machines are distinctly Del Toro (for more of that sort of thing, check out his earlier film, Chronos). Maybe the most organic combination of Del Toro's and Mignola's vision is represented in Karl Ruprecht Kroenen, a blend of maniac and machine who won't die and must be wound like a clock.

My only real complaint with Hellboy is they used Pete Yorn's weak-ass cover of Nick Cave's "Red Right Hand." Seriously, what a perfect song for this film — if they'd gotten the original version instead of Yorn's watered down effort. Maybe they couldn't get Nick Cave's version, or maybe they wouldn't pony up the dough. Tragedy either way.

Okay, two complaints. Most of the wire work in Hellboy is awful. That gets better in the sequel, though, so I'll let that slide.

Three: Hellboy and Liz are both fireproof, but how come their clothes don't burn up? Nomex?

Okay, one more. Rasputin. Why does a man with glass eyes need to wear shades?

I'll stop.

How about Ron Perlman as Hellboy? Has there been a better casting choice in any comic book movie yet? Here's a guy who couldn't get arrested except for B-movies, random supporting roles, and video games for the bigger part of 25 years in Hollywood. But he had Hellboy's jawline.

I understand why Agent Myers was created for the first film — audiences who've never read the comic need to have that character through which they can experience this universe for the first time. They need a character to ask the audience's questions about the film world. I also understand why the character is gone in the sequel. If you've seen the first film, you know the drill, so you don't need a character to ask all the questions for the audience. Both creating the character and dumping the character are good writing choices for these movies.

As for special effects, although the first one is showing some age, I watch that climactic sequence in the first film and wonder why no one has done a competent film adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft's "The Call of Cthulhu." Why hasn't Del Toro, for that matter?

The second one, made four years later, obviously has better special effects and is much funnier — I mean, Hellboy and Abe Sapien sing Barry Manilow together. But the plot isn't as interesting, and the villain looks like Tom Cruise in Matrix makeup. I'm over it.

Seen as a double feature, liking both films is easy, though.